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Almost a decade ago, Degale Cooper was working on a graduate degree in social work in Washington state. As part of the curriculum, she took an internship at a residential treatment facility for children in foster care. There she was connected on a mentoring level with two young girls who had been sexually abused.
At that time, Degale knew very little of the foster care system, but what she did know was that she had a deep interest in youth and providing services to families.
After almost two years, she had developed deep bonds with the two children, but a social worker wanted to move one of them out of the residential treatment facility and into a more traditional home environment. Dubbed a “high-needs child,” this soon-to-be 13-year-old, who was very close in age to Degale's own son, had been through 16 placements and was headed for the seventeenth.
That number, that thought, and that girl prompted this single mother to start the process of becoming a foster parent.
The application process was relatively unremarkable for Degale, as Washington doesn't prohibit people who are gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgendered from fostering or adopting children.
In hindsight, it was likely the easiest part of it all, although the resolution in Degale's voice as she talks about welcoming this girl into her home offers no regret.
"It was eye-opening, for sure. Kids who are so used to being mistreated can do a good job of sabotaging a positive placement," Degale said. "She acted out a lot."
Without many traditional family resources of her own, Degale relied on the community for support, tapping school counselors, sports programs, tutors, therapists who specialized in sexually abused children and a coming-of-age program offered at her church.
Despite Degale's efforts, the girl ran away after about a year in Degale's home. She was 14.
"When I said I would become her foster mom, I made a commitment to parent her, to have her as part of my family for her eternity. That was my commitment. When she ran away, it was devastating to me, as devastating as it would be had it been my son."
The girl eventually ended up at a youth shelter, and Degale reconnected with her, mentoring her once again for a short time before she ran away from the shelter. Even so, the love and care she has for the young woman is as strong as it was the day Degale made the commitment to invite the adolescent girl to be a part of her family.
"I was put through the emotional ringer, and I'm still hoping she will call me and will say she needs a safe place to be. She knows how to reach me. She can even Google me. I know she'd probably come with a lot of stuff, a lot of issues, and I'd say, ‘C'mon. C'mon in.’"
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Earlier this year, Rich and Aaron moved from Minnesota to the Washington, D.C., area. On their way, they stopped through Illinois to see Christina graduate from Navy basic training.
“There are challenges you face as a foster parent, but the feeling you get to see someone achieve a goal—something they probably never thought they could do—makes you realize you’re part of this huge support network for a reason,” Aaron said.
The transition came at a time when they were quintessential empty-nesters—even though Rich and Aaron are each only in their 30s. Now, Rich works in the heart of the city as a federal policy analyst and advocate for homeless youth. Their daughters have either gone off to college or are living independently, and it’s bittersweet for them both.
“It’s been a hard transition, going from having kids in the house to a one-bedroom apartment with two dogs. It’s just the sheer lack of daily excitement of being around youth and the energy. It’s the loss of daily communication and facial expressions you can’t pick up on the phone. We also realize that with our daughters, they’ve gotten to where they’re trying to proclaim their own self-identities; they’re doing fairly well, although like anyone else, they have their ups and downs.”
Even though their rented apartment is quiet now, their desire for family is ringing loud and clear. Rich and Aaron are looking into adopting a child from the foster care system.
While adoption is generally never easy, the Hooks Waymans have another thing to consider—where they will live.
Each state has its own laws regarding adoption and foster care by gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgendered individuals and couples. They vary widely, and in many instances, the laws are unclear, including those in Virginia and Maryland, states where people who work in Washington, D.C., often reside.
“I think the reality is this: There are a lot of states who discriminate against GLBT foster families,” Rich said. “We can’t change it overnight, but I also think it’s our responsibility to confront the system when you can safely do it for yourself or the child. Let’s change some things. Unless we take away the silence, an important message isn’t getting heard.”
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